Latitude Post
Thursday, January 7, 2016
Time of Our Lives
This is where the charpter ends
A new one now begins
The time has come for letting go
The hardest part is when you know
All these years when we were here
Are ending but i will always remember
Where the waters meet the land
There is shifting in the sand
Like the tide that ebbs and flows
Memories will come and go
We say good bye
We hold on tight To these memories that never die
We have had the time of our lives
Now the page is turned
The stories we will write I will not forget
Its hard to walk away From the best of days
BUT IF IT HAS TO END AM GLAD YOU HAVE BEEN MY FRIEND IN THE TIME OF OUR LIVES★ WILL MISS YOU ★
WiNie ShaRoon Lam
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
The Unofficial Goldman Sachs guide to being a man:
- Stop talking about where you went to college.
- Always carry cash. Keep some in your front pocket.
- Rebel from business casual. Burn your khakis and wear a suit or jeans.
- It’s ok to trade the possibility of your 80s and 90s for more guaranteed fun in your 20s and 30s.
- Never stay out after midnight three nights in a row… Unless something really good comes up on the third night.
- You will regret your tattoos.
- Never date an ex of your friend.
- Join Twitter; become your own curator of information.
- If riding the bus doesn’t incentivise you to improve your station in life, nothing will.
- Time is too short to do your own laundry.
- When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink.
- If you perspire, wear a damn undershirt.
- Hookers aren’t cool, but remember, the free ones are a lot more expensive.
- When people don’t invite you to a party, you really shouldn’t go. And sometimes even when you are invited, you shouldn’t go.
- People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy.
- When in doubt, always kiss the girl.
- Tip more than you should.
- You probably use your mobile phone too often and at the wrong moments.
- Buy expensive sunglasses. Superficial? Yes, but so are the women judging you. And it tells these women you appreciate nice things and are responsible enough not to lose them.
- Do 50 push-ups, sit-ups, and dips before you shower each morning.
- Eat brunch with friends at least every other weekend. Leave Rusty and Junior at home.
- Be a regular at more than one bar.
- Act like you’ve been there before. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the end zone at the Super Bowl or on a private plane.
- A glass of wine or two with lunch will not ruin your day.
- Learn how to fly-fish.
- No selfies. Aspire to experience photo-worthy moments in the company of a beautiful woman.
- Own a handcrafted shotgun. It’s a beautiful thing.
- There’s always another level. Just be content knowing that you are still better off than most who have ever lived.
- You can get away with a lot more if you’re the one buying the drinks.
- Ask for a salad instead of fries.
- Don’t split a check.
- Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them.
- When a bartender buys you a round, tip double.
- Be spontaneous.
- Find a Times New Roman in the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets. She exists.
- Piercings are liabilities in fights.
- Do not use an electric razor.
- Desserts are for women. Order one and pretend you don’t mind that she’s eating yours.
- Buy a tuxedo before you are 30. Stay that size.
- One girlfriend at a time is probably enough.
- #StopItWithTheHastags
- Your ties should be rolled and placed in a sectioned tie drawer.
- Throw parties. But have someone else clean up the next day.
- Measure yourself only against your previous self.
- Take more pictures. With a camera.
- Place-dropping is worse than-name dropping.
- Your clothes do not match. They go together.
- Yes, of course you have to buy her dinner.
- Staying angry is a waste of energy.
- If she expects the person you are 20% of the time, 100% of the time, then she doesn’t want you.
- Always bring a bottle of something to the party.
- Don’t use the word “closure” or ever expect it in real life.
- If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid loud clubs.
- Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised.
- If it’s got velvet ropes and lines, walk away unless you know someone.
- You cannot have a love affair with whiskey because whiskey will never love you back.
- If you believe in evolution, you should know something about how it works.
- No-one cares if you are offended, so stop it.
- Never take an ex back. She tried to do better and is settling with you.
- Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can sit at the bar.
- Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain, and will make you more interesting at a dinner party — provided that you don’t initiate conversation with, “So, who are you reading…”
- Ignore the boos. They usually come from the cheap seats.
- Don’t ever say, “it is what it is.”
- Don’t gamble if losing $US100 is going to piss you off.
- Remember, “rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.”
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Why Men Love Bitches
Why Men Love Bitches
I am a Bitch who knows some other bitches. We are all proud and certified Bitches stamped, ready to go out and share it with the rest of womankind. I am roaring out loud that bitch is the way to go. However should any man, boy or hooligan call me that, he will meet the open palm of my small hand as I slap the living daylights out of him.
I am aware that I have created quite uproar but before any woman desert me for speaking such blasphemy hear me out. About three months ago our CFO (a delightful temperamental sunshine-coloured woman) emailed all the ladies in the office a surprising ‘gift’ that created controversy at the work lunch table that afternoon. It was Sherry Argov’s Why Men Love Bitches. I know what you must be thinking; the title alone is enough to start an uprising by the female population if only to prove that they are no bitches. ‘Bitch’ in ordinary circles (except of course in Boondocks & Katt Williams’ standup comedy) is a derogatory term used to refer to a woman. Granted it is a nasty word to but trust feminists to have found a way to turn this into a tool of empowerment.
Reading the book later that night I was blown away by the idea that this woman presented on how women can control the dynamics of relationships. According to Sherry men do not like women who are doormats, the all ‘too nice-too sweet’ girl next door who whimper and waft when you do not call her. Men are put off by the clingy girl who is so worried about them, caging them, building an altar to them, so dependent on them it that her world revolves around him. Apparently it is better to be a bitch, assertive, know just the right angle to stroke a man’s ego and play bimbo just enough to get him to do what you want. At the first glance Sherry gives the impression that bitches should act like the those douche bag exes we have all had who never called and acted like they we were doing just us a favour just to date us however an in-depth read presents exactly that (I am kidding....don’t ever do that to your significant other). The truth is that the book pretty much preaches that women should be self- confident and have boundaries, how they should quit hopping like bunny rabbits just to run to his beck and call, and instead of stewing up a storm of anger they should just notify the guy-in-question when he is acting less than the gentleman he should be. Your mama did not raise you to be somebody’s doormat.
Now I wouldn’t advise anyone to act like the mizigo women I hear about in the slums who scream for the entire world to hear when the man is being an idiot and less than attentive in bed (bad move). “Honey I was not amused with the move you pulled yesterday. Please do not do that again” delivered with a smile, with or without the endearments (depending on how miffed you are) and a bit of silent treatment will do just the trick. You end up pulling off sweetness without letting him get away with it.
So back to bitchiness, now some women take the bitchy thing too far. They are mean, so darn aggressive bordering on psycho, disrespectful, difficult, giving off an aura of meanness that has men giving them a wide berth of space. Then they go on complaining how they just can’t find a man. You can be a go-getter, self assured, CEO of some company and still be all sugar, spice and everything (basically a Powerpuff girl). My definition of being a bitch is finding the perfect balance of asking for what you want (within reason) without sacrificing your femininity.
During one of those rare father-daughter talks my Papa advised me to treat a man right but not to build my entire life around him. He told me to hold my own weight, be independent, remain exactly who I am and act like I am a prize and that way no man would ever take me for granted. This action plan although not full proof has worked perfectly for me.
I do not condemn nice girls everywhere I just think they should add just a bit of zest in that awesome personality they already possess. Honestly as humans we tend to take people who are too nice to us for granted regardless of gender and that applies for all relationships.
All sense of propriety and niceties aside ladies, y’all need to grow some boobs, balls (oops wrong gender), or even an extra vagina (if that helps) and get some standards. Men only treat you the way they do because you let them get away with it. We all have that guy that we pine after, who calls you once in a month at ungodly hours (btw 11:30 pm is an ungodly hour) for the occasional booty call, texts back on whatsapp after 4 days even if you can clearly see his stupid behind is always online. The dwanzi who has got us practising those acrobatic karma sutra sex moves to please him in bed but still won’t introduce us to his boys as a girlfriend even after a year. Girl you need to let his sorry ass see that door slam in his face. Adopt some bitch attitude.
I do not condemn nice girls everywhere I just think they should add just a bit of zest in that awesome personality they already possess. Honestly as humans we tend to take people who are too nice to us for granted regardless of gender and that applies for all relationships.
All sense of propriety and niceties aside ladies, y’all need to grow some boobs, balls (oops wrong gender), or even an extra vagina (if that helps) and get some standards. Men only treat you the way they do because you let them get away with it. We all have that guy that we pine after, who calls you once in a month at ungodly hours (btw 11:30 pm is an ungodly hour) for the occasional booty call, texts back on whatsapp after 4 days even if you can clearly see his stupid behind is always online. The dwanzi who has got us practising those acrobatic karma sutra sex moves to please him in bed but still won’t introduce us to his boys as a girlfriend even after a year. Girl you need to let his sorry ass see that door slam in his face. Adopt some bitch attitude.
Don’t be that girl that shuts up when he screws up and become his weekend maid service while he is off keeping FIFA scores while on Playstation with the boys. Don’t allow yourself to leave the bedroom without that much needed orgasm because you are too afraid to tell him just how you like it (mbu you will hurt his ego). I will admit some guys will leave you (even those you like) but the perk is you remain with the worthwhile ones. The kind that will respect and value your opinion without thinking you are aloof and standoffish.
Bitching isn’t about complaining all the time about what is wrong or trying to wear the pants in the relationship. Bitching is being unafraid to voice an opinion or disagree. Being a bitch just means not allow anyone to walk all over you. If his ass does something you do not like, speak up instead of avidly watching Sony Max’s A 1000 Ways to die looking for ways to make his murder look as natural as possible.
Bitching isn’t about complaining all the time about what is wrong or trying to wear the pants in the relationship. Bitching is being unafraid to voice an opinion or disagree. Being a bitch just means not allow anyone to walk all over you. If his ass does something you do not like, speak up instead of avidly watching Sony Max’s A 1000 Ways to die looking for ways to make his murder look as natural as possible.
I once went out with a guy who I am sure was used to treating his women indifferently. On a Saturday he invites me over to his place for drinks with his friends which I accepted on condition that he pick me up since I was unfamiliar with his residence location. Time check 11:30 pm and there I was a lone figure stuck at a gas station with night duty pump attendants giving me creepy eyes. By this time the fool was not picking his phone and my hyper imaginative mind was playing tricks on me. I took matters into my own hands and with the help of one of his friends found my way to his place. Acting like he had not abandoned me, he hugged me and on my inquiries on his absence, he launched into a sob story about a liquor bottle slicing him and showed me the accompanying cut as if I was his mama that would kiss the hurt and make it go away. Needless to say there was a stunned silence and cries of ‘owww’ from the guests later when I slapped him and just for good measure back handed him. His ego bruised, my hands smarting from the pain I walked out of the gate, took a cab to Legends and had an awesome night. There was no communication from him until a week later when he sent an apology message that immediately saw the bottom of my recycle bin. Happy ending to this story we are now friends although he now knows better. (PS: slapping is not encouraged unless he is being a total douche bag and your temper gets away from you)
Standards set you apart from every other female. They are your signature, the unforgettable thing about you. Your standards whether they are on when you decide to sleep with him, your exclusivity, how you should treat each other while dating etc are entirely up to your tastes and preferences. I have had the privilege of being privy to the inner workings of men’s minds during those moments when my male friends gossip and forget I exist. Men (the millennial ones at least) actually like women who are not afraid to speak their mind, those are the kind that they will take home to their mamas. The too nice girl, they say, is a suspicious character who is vying for the Mrs. title and once that ring is on her figure she will become the female version of Sméagol. They want character equilibrium of a bitch and the nice girl. The female CEO that will still cook their dinner and accept occasionally to be a damsel in distress all the while keeping it together without losing her individuality.
So yeeeyy Bitches.....let’s go conquer the universe.
Horrible Bosses Are From Hell
Horrible Bosses Are From Hell
How can a widely revered man also be the epitome of a boss from hell???? When hell was carving out the most horrible bosses, the most senior demons took care with creating my boss. They poured enough sweetness into him to make him lure in ambitious juniors. They also poured four times the amount of vindictive portion into him. When they were stirring the mixture of his character, they put spadefuls of meanness, treachery and bile to make him a bad case of Tormentor. They also rubbed into the mixture buckets of immaturity, micro-managing and sourgraping. And then they put the mixture into a kiln of domination and conquest. He boiled there to the core. As he hardened, they smeared sardonic charm and prolific wit into his curved form. They breathed evil brilliance into his nostrils and he came alive with a smile and a scream. When he awoke, the bossiest demon whispered instructions into his ear.
"Go destroy junior souls and break down old institutions. Go and spread your repressive spell all over the earth. Go taunt and torment your juniors. Crush their spirits!"
And then my boss was released from hell and straight to Uganda where he was born. Can I write my resignation on perfumed pink paper?
Sunday, June 29, 2014
"Once you learn that, you’ll never be the same again"
"When you grow up you, tend to get told that the world is the way it is and your life is just to live your life inside the world, try not to bash into the walls too much, try to have a nice family, have fun, save a little money. That’s a very limited life. Life can be much broader, once you discover one simple fact, and that is that everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you. And you can change it, you can influence it, you can build your own things that other people can use. Once you learn that, you’ll never be the same again.”
Saturday, June 28, 2014
‘African time’ is an insult to ‘Africanness’
At one of our public universities, I once asked my students to anonymously evaluate me.
I implored them to be as honest as possible. And, indeed, they poured. One of the most striking comments was: “sir, I don’t mind you, but you are annoyingly punctual”. Yes, ‘annoyingly’!
While reading out the comments to the rest of the class, one student clarified that they were used to lectures starting about 15-20 minutes late. In some cases, without any notice to students, a lecturer will not show up.
As this anecdote illustrates, poor timekeeping has been normalised in our society, to the extent that keenness to time has come to seem abnormal!
As such, when you are planning any activity or occasion, you have to include about one or two loose hours for the latecomers. If you plan to start at 10am, then you have to indicate 8am on the programme. Indeed many will arrive after 10! Arrive at 8am if you are ready to look odd.
The common excuse is to generalise the bad practice as ‘African time’. In other words, one is saying that they have not done anything unusual – they are simply being African. With a few exceptions, if you plan to invite a government minister or other ‘big people’ as chief guests at your function, you may always need a plan B.
They will assure you of their attendance and ask to be reminded of the start time, only to turn up late and mess the whole programme without any expression of remorse! And when they finally arrive, everything is halted to welcome the ‘important’ guest who will take his/her front seat with a smile, indicative of an inconsiderate sense of importance.
When their turn to speak comes, they will talk until cows come back! Because most MCs want to ‘respect’ them, they will not treat them like other speakers. They won’t give them time reminders. By the time they are done with their lengthy speech, there is a crisis at the function.
Those who had been given 15 minutes on the programme to make their presentations are now cut down to five. Both because of the sudden time-cut and their own poor timekeeping, the other speakers will also eat into each other’s time. By this time, the cause of the disaster has already left. They rarely stay to witness the chaotic consequences of their poor time management.
I have also witnessed occasions where the chief guest kept informing organisers that he was on his way, up to the end of the function! What we see in the behaviour of these leaders in a way reflects the behaviour of the wider society. We are a people not so keen on time despite the observation that this costs us a lot.
Important meetings are cut short and rushed because they started late; teaching time is eaten into, hence not covering some of the course content; people wait for hours to be attended to as office-bearers turn up late or delay at lunchtime conversations!
Unfortunately, there is often no price to pay for the latecomer. Not even a price of shame, for it is normal to be late. In his autobiography, Prof George Kanyeihamba narrates an interesting encounter with his former colleague, Hon Jaberi Bidandi Ssali, who would arrive late, and without apology, for meetings he was supposed to chair.
When Kanyeihamba one time raised a point of order to ask as to the precise time the committee was to start its meetings, Bidandi responded that Kanyeihamba was so worried about time because of his long stay in the UK and was yet to adjust to African time. Kanyeihamba recalls in words that must be emphasised: “I vehemently protested saying that there is no such thing as African time. One is either on time or late. Full stop. Thereafter, Honorable Bidandi Ssali would come on time and often remark that he did not wish to offend George”.
We cannot continue degrading ‘Africanness’ by claiming that late-coming is African time. I actually believe that the roots of this euphemism are from the sarcasm of visitors from outside Africa in a way of trying to politely mock us. We ought to desist from owning the stereotype and using it as justification for the bad habit.
Mechanisms should be put in place to ensure that time mismanagement becomes costly for its perpetrators. This should go together with nurturing our children at home and in school to grow up with time consciousness, to learn that poor time keeping is not endemic to Africa. It is a construct that we can and must deconstruct.
The author is a lecturer in Ethics at Uganda Martyrs University, Nkozi.
adapted
http://www.observer.ug/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=32461%3A-african-time-is-an-insult-to-africanness&catid=37%3Aguest-writers&Itemid=66Sunday, June 15, 2014
40 and still more to do
Today I am turning forty years old
with my own Ipsum Car-keys jingling in my hand,
my three babies on my broad black back,
my dreadlocked head has the PhD from London,
my name confirmed in the service of Uganda's oldest university,
my wardrobe full of long three-piece bitengis,
my fourth passport nearly full of cross-border stamps,
my heart: fool of a loveless marriage to an estranged man,
my life full of love from doting parents, three sincere sisters and a few firm friends,
my faith in religion is at a healthy place of querying dogma,
my spirituality is wholesome with eclectic belief,
my right ear-lobe has six holes while my left has just two,
and my forty-year-old body still boasts no tatoo.
with my own Ipsum Car-keys jingling in my hand,
my three babies on my broad black back,
my dreadlocked head has the PhD from London,
my name confirmed in the service of Uganda's oldest university,
my wardrobe full of long three-piece bitengis,
my fourth passport nearly full of cross-border stamps,
my heart: fool of a loveless marriage to an estranged man,
my life full of love from doting parents, three sincere sisters and a few firm friends,
my faith in religion is at a healthy place of querying dogma,
my spirituality is wholesome with eclectic belief,
my right ear-lobe has six holes while my left has just two,
and my forty-year-old body still boasts no tatoo.
Today I am turning forty years old
without enough cash in the bank - the story of my life!
I still have to learn how to save and invest!
I still have to pay off my three remaining debts!
I still have to learn to bake, cook and fry!
I still have to resume my building project!
I still have to start gardening flowers or an orchard of succulent fruit and spicy herbs!
I still have to complete my first monograph!
I still have to brave my first pap smear!
I still have to build regular exercise into my lifestyle!
I still have to learn to stop working without taking a break!
I still have to start dance classes, start dance classes, start dance classes!
I still have to learn how to live well, love deep and laugh much.
without enough cash in the bank - the story of my life!
I still have to learn how to save and invest!
I still have to pay off my three remaining debts!
I still have to learn to bake, cook and fry!
I still have to resume my building project!
I still have to start gardening flowers or an orchard of succulent fruit and spicy herbs!
I still have to complete my first monograph!
I still have to brave my first pap smear!
I still have to build regular exercise into my lifestyle!
I still have to learn to stop working without taking a break!
I still have to start dance classes, start dance classes, start dance classes!
I still have to learn how to live well, love deep and laugh much.
Stella Nyanzi
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